Leaving the "should haves" behind...

I've read it several times in the past year, but it has been hitting closer to home recently... "mom guilt" is a very real and paralyzing thing. To be more exact, it's a worthless, damaging, hurtful kind of thing that stems from comparisons and a life of "should haves"...

"I should have tried harder to nurse Caleb when he was younger so that we could now have the inseparable mom & baby bond"...

"I should have been saying 'No' more over the past 6 months so that my one year old would run to me when I call and immediately let go of the disgustingly dirty piece of food that is making its way to his mouth" (italics used to emphasize the absurdity of these thoughts)...

It's the...

"I should be able to keep the house spotless and the blog up to date because I 'don't work' and therefore have nothing else to do but clean and write all day"...

And it's the...

"I should spend every minute I'm not cleaning, writing, cooking, doing laundry, grocery shopping, exercising, or doing my BSF lesson playing with Caleb and teaching him how to read so that he is ahead of the curve when he goes to preschool at age 2."

When I see these thoughts in writing, I start to realize the foolishness of each. But I'm telling you, they feel so real and valid as they fill my subconscious each day.

Where did these thoughts come from? And why do they dominate my life??

As I think about how to relinquish myself from the captivity of the "should haves", I can't help but think back to the few therapy sessions I attended in college (yes, I went to counseling and am a huuuuge believer in it) and how much time we focused on the root of the issue... what event or series of events started these little white lies that have grown into full blown mind-consuming obsessions?

And believe it or not, pondering this leads to even more guilt. I realize that I am a crazy perfectionist that feels I need to win the approval of those I love and meet the expectations of our society at large... and if I don't do these things I am somehow unworthy of love and a failure. And here is why this makes me feel not just disgusting, but guilty... I grew up in an incredibly loving, supportive, God-centered and others-minded family! I was told constantly that I am loved and that I am beautiful because I was created that way (not because of my outward appearance). As I get older and less ignorant of the incredible evil that pervades our world, I become more aware of how blessed I was growing up and continue to be now... and so I feel guilty that I can still be so broken even after so much blessing!

And while this confession makes me feel a bit naked, it serves as a beautiful reminder that on my own, I will never be good enough. I can never live up to a standard of perfection. But thankfully, God doesn't even expect that of me (if he did, what would be the point of Jesus... who would willfully sacrifice His only son if there were another way out??)

And so I will (I must) start refocusing my energies.  Instead of spending so much of my thought capital on the "should haves", I will instead focus on the "thank yous"...

"Thank you that even though I couldn't nurse Caleb, he was still nourished and is therefore a healthy, thriving, happy little dude"...

"Thank you that even though he doesn't have a clue what "No" means, he is a curious child that loves exploring his world"...

"Thank you that I am able to spend hours every day just staring at the beautiful creation that is Caleb... that I have seen his first crawl, first walk and first word in person"...

"Thank you that no one is expecting me to have a spotless house, perfect child, size 2 jeans, manicured nails and highlighted hair, daily blog, part-time job and 5-course meal warming in the oven"...

"Thank you that God is the judge and not me or my neighbor... that it is not my place to look at other moms and women and pick them apart to determine their worth, or even worse, my worth as compared to their appearance and actions... Thank God!"

and lastly...

"Thank you that Caleb just woke up 15 minutes into his nap because now I get to spend more time with him" (okay, this one really just happened and I am still working on the thankfulness... still mainly bitter at this point).