Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Happy Birthday Caleb!

I can't believe our Caleb is already one!! Where did the last 12 months go?! It's amazing how someone so small can so quickly knit their way so deeply into your life and heart that you can't imagine life without them.

Besides improving his walking, we really did not see any new milestones in this past month. We're stuck at 4 teeth but seem to be working on several more (have I said he is not a very graceful teether yet?). "Dada" is not only his word of choice, but also seems to be his person of choice... he is such a daddy's boy! I admit I took this somewhat personally the first couple of days it was apparent that he  was crazy about his dad, but now I am thrilled. There is nothing like hearing the door open at the end of the work day and watching a squealing one year old "run" to tackle his dad. I love it! Another thing I am loving right now is his napping - we finally turned a corner! This actually happened midway through month 10. All of a sudden we went from 30 minute naps to an hour and a half. I have no idea what we did to make the switch but I am definitely not complaining.

Here are pics of the big one year old:


We couldn't let this momentous occasion pass without a celebration. Never mind that Caleb will never remember his one-year birthday party, after all, isn't the real purpose of this party to celebrate the parents who kept the child alive for one whole year? After spending way too many hours perusing Pinterest for a theme, we settled on a construction theme and went a bit nuts. Caleb seemed to have a blast with his buddies and the adults enjoyed eating and watching the little ones play:

The morning before the party. We've only opened 3 presents and our living room is already a mess!

Our little construction man confirming that his crew is coming today.
He wasn't crazy about the hat. Love Great Grandma rockin' the theme at age 92 though!
The cake couldn't have turned out better. Thanks Tori for your work of art!
Mama and the birthday boy
We had too much fun decorating
A special shout out to my mother-in-law Sallie who spent hours helping to make the mac n' cheese and meatballs!
Caleb and his buds
Favorite photo of the day.
Happy Birthday dear Caleb!
Our son does not like chocolate!! What?? We assumed he was just being shy with everyone watching him and that as soon as he tried to frosting he would love it. After stuffing a bite of cake in his face, we learned that he just doesn't like it. Whose son are you??

Here's to another year of life with the little man! Praising God for his wonderful gift to us a year ago!

Monday, March 11, 2013

Leaving the "should haves" behind...

I've read it several times in the past year, but it has been hitting closer to home recently... "mom guilt" is a very real and paralyzing thing. To be more exact, it's a worthless, damaging, hurtful kind of thing that stems from comparisons and a life of "should haves"...

"I should have tried harder to nurse Caleb when he was younger so that we could now have the inseparable mom & baby bond"...

"I should have been saying 'No' more over the past 6 months so that my one year old would run to me when I call and immediately let go of the disgustingly dirty piece of food that is making its way to his mouth" (italics used to emphasize the absurdity of these thoughts)...

It's the...

"I should be able to keep the house spotless and the blog up to date because I 'don't work' and therefore have nothing else to do but clean and write all day"...

And it's the...

"I should spend every minute I'm not cleaning, writing, cooking, doing laundry, grocery shopping, exercising, or doing my BSF lesson playing with Caleb and teaching him how to read so that he is ahead of the curve when he goes to preschool at age 2."

When I see these thoughts in writing, I start to realize the foolishness of each. But I'm telling you, they feel so real and valid as they fill my subconscious each day.

Where did these thoughts come from? And why do they dominate my life??

As I think about how to relinquish myself from the captivity of the "should haves", I can't help but think back to the few therapy sessions I attended in college (yes, I went to counseling and am a huuuuge believer in it) and how much time we focused on the root of the issue... what event or series of events started these little white lies that have grown into full blown mind-consuming obsessions?

And believe it or not, pondering this leads to even more guilt. I realize that I am a crazy perfectionist that feels I need to win the approval of those I love and meet the expectations of our society at large... and if I don't do these things I am somehow unworthy of love and a failure. And here is why this makes me feel not just disgusting, but guilty... I grew up in an incredibly loving, supportive, God-centered and others-minded family! I was told constantly that I am loved and that I am beautiful because I was created that way (not because of my outward appearance). As I get older and less ignorant of the incredible evil that pervades our world, I become more aware of how blessed I was growing up and continue to be now... and so I feel guilty that I can still be so broken even after so much blessing!

And while this confession makes me feel a bit naked, it serves as a beautiful reminder that on my own, I will never be good enough. I can never live up to a standard of perfection. But thankfully, God doesn't even expect that of me (if he did, what would be the point of Jesus... who would willfully sacrifice His only son if there were another way out??)

And so I will (I must) start refocusing my energies.  Instead of spending so much of my thought capital on the "should haves", I will instead focus on the "thank yous"...

"Thank you that even though I couldn't nurse Caleb, he was still nourished and is therefore a healthy, thriving, happy little dude"...

"Thank you that even though he doesn't have a clue what "No" means, he is a curious child that loves exploring his world"...

"Thank you that I am able to spend hours every day just staring at the beautiful creation that is Caleb... that I have seen his first crawl, first walk and first word in person"...

"Thank you that no one is expecting me to have a spotless house, perfect child, size 2 jeans, manicured nails and highlighted hair, daily blog, part-time job and 5-course meal warming in the oven"...

"Thank you that God is the judge and not me or my neighbor... that it is not my place to look at other moms and women and pick them apart to determine their worth, or even worse, my worth as compared to their appearance and actions... Thank God!"

and lastly...

"Thank you that Caleb just woke up 15 minutes into his nap because now I get to spend more time with him" (okay, this one really just happened and I am still working on the thankfulness... still mainly bitter at this point).